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President Joe Biden pardoned his crackhead son Hunter Biden earlier this week despite repeatedly claiming he would not. The announcement came as a shock to the handful of Americans who believed (without evidence) the president was an honest and principled politician committed to upholding the rule of law. Biden's decision to pardon Hunter—after lying about it for months—has thoroughly embarrassed these idiots, and suggests the president, sometimes referred to as "Sleepy Joe," has zero f—s left to give with just a few weeks left in his term. We can't wait to see which degenerate criminals Biden will pardon next. In the meantime, here are 10 humble suggestions we hope he'll consider.
(Getty Images)1) Sam Brinton
The nonbinary genderfluid Biden administration official was never charged with a federal crime, but that doesn't mean he/she/they hasn't/haven't already committed one authorities don't know about. Brinton has yet to serve significant jail time despite facing multiple felony charges for stealing women's suitcases from airports in Virginia, Minnesota, and Nevada. Biden should go one step further and rehire Brinton, who was fired from the Department of Energy in 2022, after he pardons the marginalized sexual pioneer for any and all federal crimes.
(Getty Images)2) Ryan Wesley Routh
Sure, he tried to assassinate Donald Trump, but Routh is actually the victim here. The only thing he's guilty of is letting himself be groomed and radicalized by Ben Rhodes and other #Resistance icons who kept insisting that Trump was an existential threat to American democracy and world order. Routh took them at their word, even though Rhodes and company didn't actually believe it. They were just trying to get on MSNBC by saying what the producers wanted to hear. Don't blame the victim, Mr. President. Arrest Ben Rhodes, but pardon this lunatic.
(CNN)3) Michael Avenatti
The scumbag lawyer and onetime Democratic frontrunner is currently incarcerated after being found guilty of fraud, extortion, and tax evasion (just like Hunter). Pardoning him now will give Avenatti the time he needs to campaign for and win the Democratic presidential nomination in 2028. Biden might as well argue that Avenatti was unfairly targeted for prosecution due to his Italian heritage, because why the hell not? Democrats deserve a candidate who fights.
(Grabien)4) Hillary Clinton
Sometimes referred to as "Crooked," the failed politician must be feeling pretty nervous after Trump's victory. Her alleged crimes are too numerous to list in full, but many would love to see Hillary finally face justice for her role in the alleged suicides of Clinton lawyer Vince Foster, Clinton fundraiser Ed Willey, and Clinton travel buddy Jeffrey Epstein, as well as the suspicious "drowning" of former Clinton chef Walter Scheib. Biden can make it all go away with the stroke of a pen.
(Getty Images)5) Rafael Cruz
Donald Trump has promised to declassify and release all government documents related to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. That's bad news for Rafael Cruz, who is widely suspected of playing a role in Kennedy's demise. "What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death? Before the shooting?" Trump said of Cruz in 2016. "It's horrible." The former Cuban revolutionary is also the father of Sen. Ted Cruz (R., Texas), which means a pardon would demonstrate Biden's noble commitment to bipartisanship in these divisive times.
(Getty Images)6) Tim Walz
Look at his dumb face. He's definitely guilty of something. At least one federal crime, to be sure. The authorities just haven't caught him yet. Biden would be wise to issue a preemptive pardon now and spare everyone the indignity of finding out exactly what this weirdo is hiding.
(Max Boot/Wikimedia Commons)7) Max Boot's spying wife
The Washington Post columnist (and bashful skinhead) has been one of Biden's most loyal and obnoxious defenders. The president should return the favor by pardoning Boot's wife, Sue Mi Terry, who was indicted in July for acting as an unregistered foreign agent on behalf of South Korea. In exchange for betraying her country, Terry allegedly received a $2,845 Dolce & Gabbana coat, a $2,950 Bottega Veneta handbag, a $3,450 Louis Vuitton handbag, and $37,000 in cash. Hunter Biden would consider that chump change. Pardon now!
(Getty Images)8) Joe Biden
Why not? Hunter's pardon applies to any federal crimes he may have committed dating back to Jan. 1, 2014, when his dad was still vice president. The elder Biden has probably forgotten about all the times he aided and abetted Hunter's criminal activity during that period. Earlier this year, special counsel Robert Hur argued that Biden, 82, was unlikely to be convicted for mishandling classified documents because a jury would view him as a "sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory." Better safe than sorry.
(Adam Kredo)9) Adam Kredo
He makes Hunter Biden look like Mother Teresa. He belongs in Guantanamo. Nevertheless, we think Biden should pardon this depraved "journalist" in the interest of national unity. May God have mercy on his soul.
(Wikimedia Commons)10) Dr. Hannibal Lecter
Dr. Lecter was a wonderful man who oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. But he was also a serious psycho. More and more people are talking about him, probably because of how unfairly he was treated by our nation's justice system. Biden should do the right thing and expunge the doctor's alleged crimes once and for all.
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