Jon Stewart was greatly distressed following the Thursday debate between former President Donald Trump and President Joe Biden. On a special edition of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Stewart lamented that the nation’s two choices for president are an “asshole” and someone who has “resting 25th Amendment face.”

After recapping all the pregame talk from the media, Stewart started with Biden’s underwhelming performance, “We know the bar that's been set up for each to pass. Biden has to not look old and not have a senior moment. Go.”

 

 

Biden was then seen in a clip mumbling, “Making sure that we're able to make every single solitary person eligible for what I've been able to deal with. With the COVID, excuse me, with dealing with everything we have to do with—look, if we finally beat Medicare—”

A despondent Stewart responded, “I need to call a real estate agent in New Zealand.”

Teeing up another clip, he continued, “Okay, high pressure situation. A lot of times you confuse saving Medicare with... beating it. I'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody can [bleep] up talking! How did Biden do not talking?”

After a montage of Biden’s weird open-mouthed stare, Stewart again mourned, “Not great. But a lot of people have resting 25th Amendment face.”

 

 

As for Trump, Stewart recalled, “As we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not be an asshole.”

Following another montage of Trump, including clips of Trump claiming Biden “doesn’t like the military” and “can’t hit a [golf] ball 50 yards,” Stewart asserted that Trump did “not appear to have passed the asshole test.”

Concluding his lamentations, Stewart discussed the pre-debate prediction that Biden would be on drugs, “Let me just say, after watching tonight's debate, both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs. I'm sorry, both. As much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow. If performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidate’s cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism, then suppository away!”

Speaking of drugs, a frustrated Stewart ended the segment by declaring, “And by the way, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure [bleep] use some recreational ones right now! Because this cannot be real life! It just can't! [Bleep]! We’re America! God!”

Stewart was the only late night comedian to react to the debate. Jimmy Kimmel Live! guest host Martin Short recorded ahead of time while Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, and Jimmy Fallon have all had the week off, but no doubt they were also despondent after Thursday night’s proceedings. 

Here is a transcript for the June 27 show:

Comedy Central The Daily Show

6/27/2024

11:04 PM ET

JON STEWART: We know the bar that's been set up for each to pass. Biden has to not look old and not have a senior moment. Go.

JOE BIDEN: Making sure that we're able to make every single solitary person eligible for what I've been able to deal with. With the COVID, excuse me, with dealing with everything we have to do with — look, if we finally beat Medicare —

JAKE TAPPER: Thank you, President Biden.

STEWART: I need to call a real estate agent in New Zealand. Okay, high pressure situation. A lot of times you confuse saving Medicare with... beating it. I'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody can [bleep] up talking! How did Biden do not talking?

DONALD TRUMP: How close the police are to him. Almost every police group in the nation from every state… and everybody wanted to get it back to the states, everybody…and China, nothing and Russia nothing, and India nothing… I will have that reporter out. He should have had him out a long time ago… Because I didn't have legislation. I said close the border. We had the safest border in history.

STEWART: Not great. But a lot of people have resting 25th Amendment face.

…

STEWART: Maybe I will check out this young upstart Donald Trump. Obviously the election is a binary choice, so let me see what this Trump fella is about. As we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not be an asshole.

DONALD TRUMP: He doesn't care about our veterans. He doesn't care. He doesn't like the military at all…. Probably the worst administration in the history…. The worst presidency in the history of our country. This shouldn't be a debate. He is the worst president. I really don't know what he said at the end of the sentence, I don’t think he knows what he said either... He challenged me to a golf match. He can't hit a ball 50 yards.

STEWART: Does not appear to have passed the asshole test. See me after debate. 

…

STEWART: Let me just say, after watching tonight's debate, both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs. I'm sorry, both. As much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow. If performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidate’s cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism, then suppository away! 

Guess what, everybody, they should be taking whatever magical drug can kick their brains into gear because this ain't Olympic swimming. You know what I'm saying? Oh, "He solved the Middle East, but he was doping so it doesn't count. There is going to be an asterisk next to his presidency." 

And by the way, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure [bleep] use some recreational ones right now! Because this cannot be real life! It just can't! [Bleep]! We’re America! God!