The six late night comedy shows vacillated between liberal pep talks, sadness, and anger on Wednesday as most of them reacted to Donald Trump’s presidential election victory. From asking “What the actual [bleep], America?” to mourning the demise of democracy, here is a Notable Quotables-style compliation of Wednesday’s tapings of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, NBC’s The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and Late Night with Seth Meyers, and CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and After Midnight.

Reacting To The Results

“Well, [bleep]. It happened. Again. After a bizarre and vicious campaign fueled by a desperate need not to go to jail, Donald Trump has won the 2024 election. It's almost like you rehearsed that. The deep shock and sense of loss is enormous, okay? But let's look on the bright side. This way, at least there'll be a peaceful transfer of power.”

“Now, as a late night host, people often say to me, ‘Come on, part of you has gotta want Trump to win because he gives you so much material to work with!’ No. No. No one tells the guy who cleans the bathroom, ‘Wow, you must love it when someone has explosive diarrhea. There's so much material for you to work with!’ Now, you understand that? Is that good? I wish, you wish, so many of us wish this hadn't happened.”

—CBS’s Stephen Colbert

 

 

“You know, every once in a while when something bad happens, we let our kids curse for 30 seconds. We tell them they have 30 seconds to say any word they want and all the words they choose are curses. So, at breakfast this morning, my wife tells our daughter, Jane, who's upset, she said, "You know, you can do it" and just as she starts the cursing, our 7-year-old son, Billy, comes down the stairs. He's wearing a black Adidas tracksuit, high tops and a pair of Ray-Bans. He looks like the fourth member of Run-D.M.C. and he says, "What's going on?" My wife says, "Well, Donald Trump won," He goes, "[bleep].” I have to say, it almost made losing the election worth it.”

—ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel

“But I will say, it is an honor to be on television while women are still allowed to be. That feels great. So, yeah, how did everyone sleep last night? I mean, seriously, which sedatives did you take? I personally took a sleeping pill and then a family sized bag of duly jelly beans, and then, I'm not kidding, I restarted watching Game of Thrones to calm down.”

“I just like, why does he have to be president? Usually when you are reintegrating a con back into society, you just let them work at Baskin-Robbins. I don't understand why you can't have that job. I'm honestly really mad, mad at everyone who comforted me and said it was going to be okay, I'm mad at myself for believing this would not happen. I’m mad at CBS for hiring me so I can not immediately leave the country. There’s a lot of misplaced anger right now.”

—CBS’s Taylor Tomlinson

 

 

Attacking The Voters

“All day yesterday, I was walking around proudly wearing my "I voted" sticker. Today, I wore my "I am questioning my fundamental belief in the goodness of humanity" sticker...This is a democracy. That's democracy with a capital 'Duh.' And in this duh-mocracy, the majority has spoken, and they said that they don't care that much about democracy.”

"Last time Trump won, it felt like a grotesque fluke. This time, America knew exactly what they were getting and they went hard for him anyway. It's like that famous quote, 'Those who do not learn from history--are me! Hey, that's me! Which reminds me, I wanted to look something up. Hey Google, did Joe Biden drop out of the election?"

—CBS’s Stephen Colbert

“That was the worst Taco Tuesday of my whole life. We had the choice between a prosecutor and a criminal, and we chose the criminal to be president of the United States. More than half of this country voted for the criminal who is planning to pardon himself for his crimes.”

—ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel

 

 

“Well, guys, last night, America decided to get back with their crazy ex and elect Donald Trump as the 47th president of the United States... Of course, Trump's already super busy. First, he's got to move all those classified documents back into the White House.”

 

—NBC’s Jimmy Fallon

“And that's [abortion ballot measures winning] truly great and I'm very happy about that. But I can't get over the fact they voted to restore rights while also voting for the guy who ripped away those rights in the first place. It's like voting to make chainsaws illegal, while also voting to make Leatherface president.”

—NBC’s Seth Meyers

“Is it too late to un-decide? Well, if you're just joining me in this waking nightmare, yesterday was Election Day. We were all hoping it would make history, and boy, did it ever…Yeah, it's official. America elected its first criminal president before electing its first female president. What a day for proud felonists. What the actual [bleep], America? We've had two qualified, accomplished women nominated for president, and both times they lost to the worst man in the whole country.”

"We have spent so much time diagnosing Donald Trump and what his actions say about him, 'He's a dictator. He's a fascist. He's a malignant narcissist whose blood type is fryer oil." But it's pretty clear that America is the one that needs the diagnosis, because whatever's wrong with him, we [bleep] love it. In this moment, Donald Trump is holding up a mirror to the American people and it might be time to take a good [bleep] hard look."

—Comedy Central’s Desi Lydic

 

 

“We had assumed we wouldn’t know the results of the election yet, but we do have the results: a second Donald Trump presidency and I know people have said this before, but reboot culture has gone too far and I say that as the host of a show that was rebooted.”

—CBS’s Taylor Tomlinson

Attacking Trump

JIMMY KIMMEL: You think it would be easier or more difficult to write for Trump?

DAN PFEIFFER: We don't speak German. 

JON LOVETT: ... he's annoyed and a bit bored by his prepared remarks because I do find— the kind of high dudgeon, kind of like "Deutschland Uber Alles" vibes, blood and soil, he's like, “Ugh, kind of boring, I want to talk about some windmills, what RFK’s going to do for the women! You know, I want to riff!”

—The Cast of Pod Save America on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“Donald Trump ran a dark and ominous campaign where he called his opponents vermin, scum, and the enemy within. He's not gonna suddenly become a soft and cuddly uniter. I know he likes to play dress up, but that's one costume he can't pull off.”

—NBC’s Seth Meyers

“It was a huge night for Republicans, they also took the Senate, and a lot of the news media is asking whether or not a Republican Senate will "keep Trump in check." Which feels like asking the getaway driver of a bank robbery, "So, you're gonna make sure they spend the money wisely, right? You're going to save half for taxes and donate to sustainable charities? Right?"

—CBS’s Taylor Tomlinson

Worrying About The Future

“As we're all about to plunge back into the Trump hole, here's what occurs to me. The first time Donald Trump was elected, he started as a joke and ended as a tragedy. This time, he starts as a tragedy.”

“Who knows what the next four years are gonna be be like? What we do know is that we are going to be governed by a monstrous child surrounded by cowards and grifters and my brain keeps pumping out an unlimited supply of ramifications. It's really hard to see a bright side here.”

—CBS’s Stephen Colbert

“Let's be honest, it was a terrible night last night. It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who make this country go, for healthcare, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for free speech. It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who rely on Social Security, for our allies in Ukraine, for NATO, for the truth and democracy and decency and it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him, and guess what? It was a bad night for everyone who voted for him too. You just don't realize it yet.”

—ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel

“Look, I wish I had some trenchant words of wisdom to impart. I'm sad to say I don't. We're about to step over the precipice into truly uncharted territory. You need only look back to Trump's first term to get a sense of how dangerous his second term will be and no one can say they didn't know what they were getting because Trump made it crystal clear.”

—NBC’s Seth Meyers

 

 

“Donald Trump has proven, what he has proven in the way he has won has proven is every voter has an identity. Every voter has an identity and he tapped into one of the most powerful of American identities, he tapped into white identity…He said 'you don't need to be ashamed of this identity, I'm going to give it a name and I'm going to make you feel good about it, and you don't have to sacrifice a thing.'

Donald Trump played identity politics like a fiddle. So, when you say the Democrats lose because we play identity politics, it simply isn't true. This is about whose identities win when you appeal to them. That means you should double down on the identities of your base. You should go out to them, something I think Democrats really only did cosmetically this time.”

—Professor and New York Times columnist Tresssie McMillan Cottom on The Daily Show.

“A lot of people want solutions, so they're posting today about what we can do to move forward. And I think that's valuable. But also, let's have a [bleep] second to be sad. It's all right. You know. If your friend dies, you go to the funeral and say, "I really miss my friend." You don't go to the funeral and immediately scream, "Volunteer at the library!" Like yes, okay, I'll volunteer at the library, but let me bury democracy first.”

CBS’s Taylor Tomlinson

Pep Talks

“Today some people said to me, "Sorry you have to do a show tonight," which is nice of them to say, but I don't have to do a show. I get to do a show tonight. I'm so grateful to be with all of these talented people, those people over here, those people that you'll never see, with the audience in the Ed Sullivan, with you people at home, because especially in times like this, what do we most want to be? Not alone. So, thanks for being here. We're going to do a comedy show. It's a comedy show. We are going to do some jokes in just a minute, 'cause that's what we do, and I'll let you in on the little secret. No one gets into this business because everything in their life worked out great. So we're built for rough roads.”

—CBS’s Stephen Colbert

“But I do know everyone who works on this show agrees on our mission, which is to find laughter, to find connection, and to find joy, even when things are bleak, and to tell you how we feel. And look, it might be challenging. But to that challenge, I say ‘Let's [bleep] go.’" 

“All I do know is that the fight for justice doesn't end with one election. We must all gird ourselves for what comes next and do everything in our power to make real the world we want to live in. In times like this when everything feels overwhelming and impossible, like all hope is lost, we have no choice but to look back on the broad scope of history. Justice is not automatic. Comeuppance is not guaranteed. Politics unfortunately is not a Marvel movie, even though Joe Biden does look eerily like old Captain America. That doesn't mean — that doesn't mean the struggle toward a more just and compassionate world is futile. It just means it's [bleep] hard and heartbreaking and soul-crushing and agonizing and it never ends. Democracy does not happen only Election Day.”

—NBC’s Seth Meyers

Here are transcripts of the November 6-taped shows:

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

11/7/2024

11:36 PM ET

STEPHEN COLBERT: You know, today some people said to me "Sorry you have to do a show tonight," which is nice of them to say but I don't have to do a show. I get to do a show tonight. I'm so grateful to be with all of these talented people, those people over here, those people that you'll never see, with the audience in the Ed Sullivan, with you people at home, because especially in times like this, what do we most want to be? Not alone. So, thanks for being here. We're going to do a comedy show. It's a comedy show. We are going to do some jokes in just a minute, 'cause that's what we do, and I'll let you in on the little secret. No one gets into this business because everything in their life worked out great. So we're built for rough roads. You guys ready? Are we cool? Okay. We're going to start the show now. And correct me if I'm wrong, Louis, we usually start with a cold open? Something like that? Do we have one? We do? Great, Jim?

…

COLBERT: Well, [bleep]. It happened. Again. After a bizarre and vicious campaign fueled by a desperate need not to go to jail, Donald Trump has won the 2024 election. It's almost like you rehearsed that. The deep shock and sense of loss is enormous, okay? But let's look on the bright side. This way, at least there'll be a peaceful transfer of power! 

Mike Pence, olly olly oxen free! All day yesterday, I was walking around proudly wearing my "I voted" sticker. Today, I wore my "I am questioning my fundamental belief in the goodness of humanity" sticker. They give those out. They give those out at the bake sale right outside. 

Now, as a late night host, people often say to me, "Come on, part of you has gotta want Trump to win because he gives you so much material to work with!" 

No. No. No one tells the guy who cleans the bathroom, "Wow, you must love it when someone has explosive diarrhea. There's so much material for you to work with!" Now, you understand that? Is that good? I wish, you wish, so many of us wish this hadn't happened. But that is not for us to decide. This is a democracy. That's democracy with a capital "Duh."

And in this duh-mocracy, the majority has spoken, and they said that they don't care that much about democracy and I want to take a moment to congratulate Kamala Harris and Tim Walz on running an amazing 107-day campaign. No, come on, that was extraordinary. Right out of the gate, they hit it right of the gate. Personally, I hope they stay in touch. I know they're really good at texting. 

As we're all about to plunge back into the Trump hole, here's what occurs to me. The first time Donald Trump was elected, he started as a joke and ended as a tragedy. This time, he starts as a tragedy. Who knows what he'll end as? A limerick? "There once was a man who was Orange. Dammit!" 

Who knows what the next four years are gonna be like? What we do know is that we are going to be governed by a monstrous child surrounded by cowards and grifters and my brain keeps pumping out an unlimited supply of ramifications. It's really hard to see a bright side here.

...

Last time Trump won, it felt like a grotesque fluke. This time, America knew exactly what they were getting and they went hard for him anyway. It's like that famous quote, 'Those who do not learn from history--are me! Hey, that's me! Which reminds me, I wanted to look something up. Hey Google, did Joe Biden drop out of the election?

***
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!

11/6/2024

11:37 PM ET

JIMMY KIMMEL: I hope you are well. You know, I spent a lot of time over the last 17 hours or so thinking about what I would say tonight, what there even is to say tonight. And — there's nothing, good night, everybody! Let me tell you, that was the worst Taco Tuesday of my whole life. We had the choice between a prosecutor and a criminal, and we chose the criminal to be president of the United States. More than half of this country voted for the criminal who is planning to pardon himself for his crimes.

…

My kids were very upset. You know, every once in a while when something bad happens, we let our kids curse for 30 seconds. We tell them they have 30 seconds to say any word they want and all the words they choose are curses. So, at breakfast this morning, my wife tells our daughter, Jane, who's upset, she said, "You know, you can do it" and just as she starts the cursing, our 7-year-old son, Billy, comes down the stairs. He's wearing a black Adidas tracksuit, high tops and a pair of Ray-Bans. He looks like the fourth member of Run-D.M.C. and he says “What's going on?” My wife says, "Well, Donald Trump won," he goes, "[bleep].” I have to say, it almost made losing the election worth it.

…

Let's be honest, it was a terrible night last night. It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who make this country go, for healthcare, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for free speech. It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who rely on Social Security, for our allies in Ukraine, for NATO, for the truth and democracy and decency and it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him, and guess what? It was a bad night for everyone who voted for him too. You just don't realize it yet.

…

JON LOVETT: I think president Obama saw them more as about how you tell the story of the country and I think one lesson we've learned over the last eight years is, people don't care about policy. 

KIMMEL: You think it would be easier or more difficult to write for Trump?

TOMMY VIETOR: Whoo.

JON FAVREAU: You know what –

DAN PFEIFFER: We don't speak German. 

LOVETT: I will say this. So easy, I will say this, you know, the speechwriters that write speeches for Trump, you can tell when he leaves the prepared remarks behind and starts kind of riffing because he's annoyed and a bit bored by his prepared remarks because I do find— the kind of high dudgeon, kind of like "Deutschland Uber Alles" vibes, blood and soil, he's like, “ugh, kind of boring, I want to talk about some windmills, what RFK’s going to do for the women! You know, I want to riff!”

***

NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

11/6/2024

11:36 PM ET

JIMMY FALLON: Well, guys, last night, America decided to get back with their crazy ex and elect Donald Trump as the 47th president of the United States. No matter who you voted for, I think all Americans can agree it's going to be a rough Thanksgiving. Really, right? Yep, Trump returning to the White House is a huge historic comeback for someone who literally never went away. Of course, Trump's already super busy. First, he's got to move all those classified documents back into the White House. Yeah, Republicans were thrilled about last night until they realized it's going to be four more years of Melania's Christmas decorations.

***

NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers

11/7/2024

12:40 AM ET

SETH MEYERS: But I do know everyone who works on this show agrees on our mission, which is to find laughter, to find connection, and to find joy, even when things are bleak, and to tell you how we feel. And look, it might be challenging. But to that challenge, I say "let's [bleep] go." And I promise, you know — yeah. Let's [bleep] go.

…

MEYERS: Donald Trump ran a dark and ominous campaign where he called his opponents vermin, scum, and the enemy within. He's not gonna suddenly become a soft and cuddly uniter. I know he likes to play dress up, but that's one costume he can't pull off. By the way, now that he's going to go back to the White House, I think Trump should keep wearing the orange safety vest, so we always know where he is in case he gets lost and accidentally wanders away on the White House lawn again. But it's not all bad news. Trump, of course, also bragged repeatedly about overturning Roe v. Wade, which has put women who can't get medical care in harm's way. And yesterday, voters spoke loudly and clearly that they disagree with Trump's position.

RACHEL MADDOW: In Nevada and in Arizona and in Missouri, we've got the abortion referendums, the abortion ballot measures that were on the ballot in front of those voters. They have passed in all three of those states. So, this is Nevada. You see the "Yes" vote here for "Right to an abortion," Question 6 on the Nevada ballot, with 62-38. So, that passes in Nevada. That is the projection. In Arizona, we have similarly, the Arizona abortion rights measure, Proposition 139, right to an abortion. Look, similar margin there. 63 percent vote in Arizona in favor of abortion rights. Pretty stunning result there. And also a third one in Missouri, in deep red Missouri. A majority win and a win, a yes, for the right to an abortion.

MEYERS: And that's truly great and I'm very happy about that. But I can't get over the fact they voted to restore rights while also voting for the guy who ripped away those rights in the first place. It's like voting to make chainsaws illegal, while also voting to make Leatherface president. 

Look, I wish I had some trenchant words of wisdom to impart. I'm sad to say I don't. We're about to step over the precipice into truly uncharted territory. You need only look back to Trump's first term to get a sense of how dangerous his second term will be and no one can say they didn't know what they were getting because Trump made it crystal clear. 

All I do know is that the fight for justice doesn't end with one election. We must all gird ourselves for what comes next and do everything in our power to make real the world we want to live in. In times like this when everything feels overwhelming and impossible, like all hope is lost, we have no choice but to look back on the broad scope of history. Justice is not automatic. Comeuppance is not guaranteed. Politics unfortunately is not a Marvel movie, even though Joe Biden does look eerily like old Captain America. That doesn't mean — that doesn't mean the struggle toward a more just and compassionate world is futile. It just means it's [bleep] hard and heartbreaking and soul-crushing and agonizing and it never ends. Democracy does not happen only Election Day

***

Comedy Central The Daily Show

11/6/2024

11:00 PM ET

DESI LYDIC: Is it too late to un-decide? Well, if you're just joining me in this waking nightmare, yesterday was Election Day. We were all hoping it would make history, and boy, did it ever.

LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR: Mr. Trump made history last night. He will be the first convicted felon to be president of the United States.

LYDIC: Yeah, it's official. America elected its first criminal president before electing its first female president. What a day for proud felonists. What the actual [bleep], America? We've had two qualified, accomplished women nominated for president, and both times they lost to the worst man in the whole country.

...

We have spent so much time diagnosing Donald Trump and what his actions say about him, 'He's a dictator. He's a fascist. He's a malignant narcissist whose blood type is fryer oil." But it's pretty clear that America is the one that needs the diagnosis, because whatever's wrong with him, we [bleep] love it. In this moment, Donald Trump is holding up a mirror to the American people and it might be time to take a good [bleep] hard look.

…

LYDIC: You wrote a piece in the Time just today and you said “It is time for us to accept that American politics is identity politics.” Tell us what you meant by that.

TRESSIE MCMILLAN COTTOM: I meant we have spent a lot of time and by we, I mean myself, people in the media, academics, researchers and politicians certainly have spent a lot of time saying identity politics is dangerous or at least it's murky, right? This is why we said Occupy was a distraction for the Democrats, Black Lives Matter was a distraction for the Democrats, right? The feminist movement is a distraction for the Democrats because they won't focus on real issues that matter to real Americans, right?

The problem with that is you assume the only people with an identity are women and people of color, but as Donald Trump has proven, what he has proven in the way he has won has proven is every voter has an identity. Every voter has an identity and he tapped into one of the most powerful of American identities, he tapped into white identity.

LYDIC: Right.

COTTOM: Right. He said “you don't need to be ashamed of this identity, I'm going to give it a name and I'm going to make you feel good about it, and you don't have to sacrifice a thing.”

Donald Trump played identity politics like a fiddle. So, when you say the Democrats lose because we play identity politics, it simply isn't true. This is about whose identities win when you appeal to them. That means you should double down on the identities of your base. You should go out to them, something I think Democrats really only did cosmetically this time. 

But take seriously what the members of your base want based on who they are and how they view themselves. I think if we did that we would have understood why young men are anxious. 

I think we would have understood why young women could, yes, be afraid of a post-Dobbs America but not think the woman president would help them, right? I think that if you appeal more directly, actually, to people's identities, how they see their identities, then you can play the game that Trump has played but without all the nefarious self-serving self-aggrandizement.

***

CBS After Midnight

11/7/2024

12:38 AM ET

TAYLOR TOMLINSON: But I will say, it is an honor to be on television while women are still allowed to be. That feels great. So, yeah, how did everyone sleep last night? I mean, seriously, which sedatives did you take? I personally took a sleeping pill and then a family sized bag of duly jelly beans, and then, I'm not kidding, I restarted watching Game of Thrones to calm down. I was like maybe this will give me some perspective, just desperately trying to get myself back to 2011, yeah. Remember 2011, back when Joe Rogan was not helping people decide elections, he was just helping them decide if they were going to eat bugs for money. Remember that? Yeah.

I've been watching this TikTok on a loop all morning.

ONSCREEN TIKTOK CAPTION: I wish I was a cow running in the rain right now.

TOMLINSON Was that too dark? Like, The energy was like "[bleep] that wouldn't be nice." It was not funny at all? Everybody was like “Wouldn't it be nice to be anywhere else and be something else. Like nobody in here had fun with that all. Me neither. Oh my god, we had been preparing in advance for today's show, and we had assumed we wouldn’t know the results of the election yet, but we do have the results: a second Donald Trump presidency and I know people have said this before, but reboot culture has gone too far. 

And I say that as the host of a show that was rebooted. I just like, why does he have to be president? Usually when you are reintegrating a con back into society, you just let them work at Baskin-Robbins. I don't understand why you can't have that job. 

I'm honestly really mad, mad at everyone who comforted me and said it was going to be okay, I'm mad at myself for believing this would not happen. I’m mad at CBS for hiring me so I can not immediately leave the country. There’s a lot of misplaced anger right now.

…

It was a huge night for Republicans, they also took the Senate, and a lot of the news media is asking whether or not a Republican Senate will "Keep Trump in check." Which feels like asking the getaway driver of a bank robbery, "So, you're gonna make sure they spend the money wisely, right? You're going to save half for taxes and donate to sustainable charities? Right?"

A lot of people want solutions, so they're posting today about what we can do to move forward. And I think that's valuable. But also, let's have a [bleep] second to be sad. It's all right. You know. If your friend dies, you go to the funeral and say, "I really miss my friend." You don't go to the funeral and immediately scream, "Volunteer at the library!" Like yes, okay, I'll volunteer at the library, but let me bury democracy first! 

I— look, I know today is tough, but you came to us for some magic. Let's hope heartbreak feels good in a place like this.