ENGLISH tabloids have reacted negatively to the news that Thomas Tuchel, a German man, will now manage the national football team of a country which is home to the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha royal family.

"Nah, this ain't right, he ain't gonna sing the anthem is he? We need a fackin' English man at the end of the day," said one hooligan with a number of neo-Nazi tattoos who was inexplicably made the editor of The Daily Mail sports section for the day.

More temperate sections of the English media have called Tuchel's appointment the greatest crime against England since Greggs went woke and introduced a vegetarian sausage roll option.

"But as a German he probably shares a more direct genetic link to King Charles and his family than a lot of English people, I thought it was a nice touch by the FA," shared one supporter of the appointment.

In a bid to bring calm to the situation and prove he is the right man to lead the team Tuchel has said he is planning to sing 'one World Cup and two world wars' at his official unveiling.

Elsewhere, all middle-aged proper football men in England fainted upon hearing news of the former Chelsea manager's appointment, having only just regained consciousness after fainting in shock at Lee Carsley not singing the national anthem.
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