Sadly, the president of the United States has passed away, but on a happier note, he says he is still running for re-election.

President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden announced yesterday that though he was now dead, only God Almighty could remove him from the presidential race. God Almighty announced that he already had removed him from the presidential race by bringing him before his throne of judgment where they would soon discuss that 10% he’d been receiving from Hunter’s influence peddling business and by the way, none of this “there’s no evidence” crap in the New York Times was going to work with him because he was omniscient and frankly he didn’t even have to be normally “nishent” to know enough not to get his so-called news from the New York Times.

Biden responded that he was not going to allow elites like God to push him around, saying “I beat Donald Trump once, and I was hardly alive even then. Sitting around in my basement, watching the mold grow. Wearing a mask for some damn reason — a lot of good that did me. And sure, we had to change all the voting rules and let immigrants and small animals and even some insects send in their ballots before I could win, but don’t forget the insects were required to show photo ID. I don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to campaign the same way while I’m dead and run the country just as well as whoever is running it now.” 

The president’s death became undeniable after a debate with Donald Trump during which Biden responded to questions by lying motionless on the floor and not breathing while rigor mortis set in. The White House press corps was furious about the revelation, saying the administration had conspired to hide the president’s death from them, except for the not breathing and rigor mortis part.

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NBC White House correspondent Kristen Welker said, “Now that I look back on it, it’s possible we should have asked some harder questions at the funeral. Like, ‘Why is the President inside a box being lowered into the ground and covered with dirt?’ But we thought his being dead was just a Right-wing talking point like covid leaking from a lab or Hunter Biden’s laptop being real or the second amendment saying people have the right to bear arms. So when the White House spokeswoman said to us, ‘Sure, Biden is dead but if people find out about it, they might vote for Trump,’ we just assumed he was still alive. We will not rest until we get to the bottom of this cover-up.”

Despite the president’s passing, White House spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity-Hire says Biden continues to work as hard as any other dead person. While many members of the cabinet have stopped attending meetings with him because of the smell, Biden continues to be surrounded by a team of loyalists. The team includes Dr. Mrs. First Lady McJill Biden who told Democrats, “Let me be clear. There is no way Joe is leaving the Oval Office. Not while I’m president.” Biden is also taking advice from his son Hunter, and while insiders say Hunter will not be exposed to any classified information, he may be exposed to the woman filing the classified information if they can’t get him to keep his pants on. Otherwise Hunter has been relegated to working on plans for a new Federal Department of Whoopee so that Deep State women whose jobs depended on Chevron deference can still make a living. Other people surrounding Biden include Attorney General Merrick Garland who is working on how many more old women he can arrest for opposing abortion, and Secretary of State Anthony Blinken who is seeking to find a place on Benjamin Netanyahu’s back where the U.S. has not yet stabbed him. There’s also Tinky-Winky from Biden’s favorite television show, and the Hawk Tuah Girl who will soon issue a white paper on what thang we’re supposed to spit on next.

Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris says she will continue to stand by the president, because it’s an easier path to power than the stuff she used to have to do for Willie Brown.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.