American journalists and other human folderol are claiming that Democrat men are “redefining masculinity.” And no, I’m not making that quote up. Jen Psaki psaid pso on her psucky pshow on MPSNBC. And there have been similar headlines in USA Today and other trusted news outlets or at least outlets trusted by the same sort of people who think, “Okay, this time I’m sure I know which card is the queen. I’ll bet another twenty dollars.”

So let’s take a look at the Democrat men these journalists are talking about.

One example is Doug Emhoff, who’ll be first gentleman if Kamala Harris wins the election. Which definitely does redefine masculinity if by that you mean eliminates it completely. I mean, holy crap, it’s bad enough to be married to Kamala Harris but now you have to go to parties and people say “What do you do?” and you’re like, “I’m the first gentleman,” and they sort of simper and say “Oh, how wonderful, you’re redefining masculinity,” but what they’re really thinking is: this poor guy must have a package the size of a mustard seed. So now you’re lying awake at night in the Lincoln bedroom or wherever, staring at the ceiling and wondering how you got to a place where technically you’re still a man I guess, but not only are you the king cuck of the universe, but you also have to listen to that laugh Kamala has until you start thinking, “Hey, she’s guarded by the same Secret Service that guarded Donald Trump, so basically she’s got no protection. I could still get out of this.”

Okay, I kind of went off on a tangent there and I’m not sure what point I was trying to make. But let’s remember that Mr. Doug Redefining Masculinity actually cheated on his last wife with the nanny until she got pregnant and had an abortion, which sounds to me like the same old Democrat definition of masculinity as always. And now he’s also been accused of slapping his former girlfriend after she flirted with another man at a party.

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That raises some interesting questions, right? For instance, you might ask: “Well, is it always wrong to smack your girlfriend?” And yes, of course it is! And you might ask, “But what if she’s, like, really, really annoying — like Kamala Harris level annoying with that laugh and everything?” And I would say: Still, you don’t just slap her. It’s not like she’s your wife where the occasional swat on the backside is probably cheaper than a divorce. She’s your girlfriend, you can dump her if she’s that much trouble. And you might say, “Well, okay, what if she’s a journalist, and not just any journalist, but like one of those two dames who moderated the Vice Presidential debate and sat there all night with those prissy little smiles on their faces while skewing all the questions in a leftist direction and then cutting off JD Vance’s microphone when he tried to correct their so-called fact check which was against the rules in the first place?”

And okay, look, there are always gray areas. But if you’re dating a girl who’s a journalist, you might want to take a good look in the mirror before you just get handsy with her. The problem could be you, my friend.

Anyway, the question is: are Democrat men really redefining masculinity or are they just a bunch of sleaze-balls? Because not only do you have Doug Emhoff banging the nanny then playing ping-pong-face with a flirty girlfriend. But you’ve also got Tim Walz and, oh my God, right? Talk about a guy who’s redefining masculinity to the point where it could become a capital offense. I mean, is there something creepy about that dude or what? I don’t want to go too far here. If it turned out Walz had, like, an oubliette in his basement with his next victim already down there praying to God Clarice Starling can find her before it’s too late, I would be surprised. But only maybe thirty percent surprised. Maybe twenty. If that.

So in conclusion, Democrat men are redefining masculinity. Yeah, either that or Democrat women are cucking them nutless to keep from getting smacked in the kisser.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available for PRE-ORDER. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.