It’s Pride Month, when fetishists march down the street baring their buttocks and declare their pride in loud voices so as to drown out the excoriating inner whisper of their shame. So… hooray.

Today, to kick off the pride, we celebrate a sexual deviant’s historic achievement in sports at the recent All-Atlantic Regional Track and Field Championships, where a man pretending to be a woman outraced the real women for the first time ever — except for all the other times.

Now, many people feel that a man pretending to be a woman so he can outrace real women is little more than a grifter protected by a widespread grifter culture populated by academics and journalists and other sorts of grifters. But in fact, a new scientific study by Dr. Thaddeus Grifter refutes that claim.

In the abstract or summary of the study, Dr. Grifter explains the science of transgenderism this way:

“Think of three playing cards lying face up. Two of them are male jacks, and one is a female queen. I turn the cards over and tell you to keep your eye on the queen. Then I mix them up and ask you to find the queen. You point to the card you think is the queen, but it turns out to be the jack. That’s transgenderism, and now you owe me twenty dollars.”

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Dr. Grifter expanded on his study in an interview at the Melondale Correctional Facility for Women, where, under the name of Carol Grifter, he is serving a five-year term for raping his cellmate.

Dr. Grifter said,

“Like any other mammal, human beings are nothing more than flesh machines that change through evolution, which selects those machines that are best suited for sexual reproduction. This evolutionary process has produced two sexes, which we call men and women, the men for impregnating the women, and the women for transforming a clump of cells into a human being by passing it through the magic vagina place and then feeding it with her mammary glands, which is why we’re called mammals, and also why I just can’t keep my hands off those saucy vixens.

“Now evolution has worked for thousands of years to produce different men and women’s bodies, but that has had absolutely no effect on their brains, which are not part of their bodies, but simply a ghostly emotional presence totally immune to evolution, so that, emotionally, men and women are exactly the same. But if a man should feel emotionally that he is a woman, who is emotionally exactly the same, then he becomes a woman, because of course emotionally they’re very different. Now once he becomes a woman emotionally he can wear a dress and a string of pearls which makes him a woman physically except for his greater size and strength and of course his penis, which comes in very handy once he gets a gander at those fabulous mammaries.

“Now scientifically speaking, once the man’s emotions, which are exactly the same as a woman’s emotions, become more like a woman’s emotions, which are totally different, then he changes into a woman, who is exactly the same except for the dress and pearls. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my cell, I have a hot date.” 

Dr. Grifter’s work on transgenderism follows his previous work in which he studied climate change by interviewing polar bears on what it felt like to be extinct. After nearly being mauled by an extinct bear, Dr. Grifter changed the focus of his study to the way climate change has increased the number of tornadoes in the last two years from twenty-two to six. Dr. Grifter says if this increase should continue at the same pace, the number of tornadoes will rise next year to minus ten, causing a shortage of tornadoes almost as disastrous as the shortage of polar bears, whose population has dwindled over the last few years from 25,000 to 26,500. This means that people sitting around waiting for the next tornado could be severely injured by a swirling cloud of extinct bears. Dr. Grifter concludes that therefore climate change must be addressed at which point it will be female if it can just find a string of pearls.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.