The Daily Wire has obtained the original script to Joe Biden’s speech declaring he will not run for re-election. The script is handwritten in a fetching blend of Crayola colors including Permanent Geranium, Macaroni and Cheese, and Dandelion, and it reads as follows, “My fellow Geraniums. No, wait, that’s the color of the crayon. What am I writing here? Oh yes, I remember now: My fellow Geraniums. In the course of my pretending to be president, the people who were really in charge have accomplished many things. We’ve addressed climate change with a bill called the Inflation Reduction Act for some reason. I guess we were trying to make you think we were reducing inflation. In fact, we were taking all your money and sending it to our friends in the sustainable energy business, so now instead of putting gasoline in your car and driving around all the time, you’ll be able to just sit still by the side of the road and get some serious thinking done. You can ask yourself the big questions, like: ‘What does sustainable even mean in this context?’ and ‘Why isn’t my car moving?’ So that’s one thing we accomplished. And then, as dedicated progressives, we made the price of eggs progress from a dollar forty to almost five bucks, so I guess that whole progressive joke’s on you.

Now, however, I find I can no longer do the things required to run for office, like run for office, or even walk without falling down, or talk in complete sentences or think above the level of a tomato. And so, instead of taking on the complex tasks of campaigning, I will henceforth restrict my activities to being President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of a war machine that includes enough nuclear weapons to set the earth ricocheting through the solar system like a pachinko ball. And you may ask, well, if you can’t perform tasks like standing slack-jawed in front of a microphone and reading off a teleprompter in a manner the media can at least pretend is coherent, how will you handle the complex life-and-death decisions that go with the presidency? But that’s a ridiculous question. For one thing, it’s so long I’ve already forgotten the first part of it, and without that, the second part is just a meaningless string of words — and then suddenly there’s a question mark! Who could have seen that coming?

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So as I step down, I want to endorse what’s-her-name, that sort of black woman who keeps cackling all the time, because she’s the type of candidate the Democrat party deserves after stabbing me in the back like this. And that goes double for my “good buddy” Barack. What a snake in the grass that guy is. I didn’t realize when he said he had my back, he was acquiring a target. I should have known after he threw me over for that other cackling hen of corruption, the white one, what was her name, Hillary. What is it with Obama always trying to get cackling, corrupt women elected president, it’s like some kind of fetish, like me sniffing little girls’ hair. It doesn’t make any sense, or I don’t know, maybe that’s just the dementia talking.

So that’s it for me. But don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. Not on foot anyway, especially if there are stairs or even just stuff lying around on the floor, that can be treacherous too. I’m just going to lie here and be president and hope nothing too difficult happens, like war or economics, because I’m way beyond being able to handle stuff like that. And watch out for all those new voters we let in through the southern border — God knows what they’ll get up to. Whatever it is, let’s hope it’s not too loud when it goes off. It’s hard enough getting to sleep with Jill rattling on and on about that snake Obama until the medication kicks in, and even then she snores like a hedgehog.

Finally, let me just say that I couldn’t have done all this without you, the American people, pretending I was all right. That actually goes for my whole career. I mean really, what a bunch of saps.”

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.