You know, as we swirl rapidly down into the hurly-burly, upsy-daisy, stinky-dinky of the American political season before being flushed swiftly into the thunderous plumbing of loyalist rage, expert idiocy, and media lies until we emerge in the noxious sewer of broken promises, vengeful hyperbole and did I already mention media lies, I’d like to take a moment to refresh our souls at the fountain of compassion by walking a mile in our opponents’ shoes and then hiding them, so our opponents have to hop around barefoot in all the crap they’ve left lying around on the streets of our cities, which would only serve them right.

For instance, as November looms, it’s now becoming clear that leftists are facing a problem. With Iran putting the final touches on the nuclear arsenal funded with the pallets of billions sent to them by Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and with China strengthening the Navy that is rapidly outstripping an American military strangling on Democrat funding cuts while wasting its resources celebrating the sexual perversity that is the mainstay of the Left’s political philosophy, and with Russia completing the destruction of Ukraine because the massive amounts of American funding meant to defend that nation have been inexplicably slow-walked, allowing Putin to refresh his attack while Biden dithers, Left-wingers across our country are growing increasingly concerned about the WNBA.

Now whether you don’t know what the WNBA is or don’t care, the problem for leftists is very complex. The rise of superstar player Caitlin Clark into some girls’ team or other has provided leftists with a great reason to pretend to give a smoldering belch about a bunch of lady beanstalks throwing a ball at a net with a level of skill so amazing it makes the men’s game look much better and more entertaining.

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But this raises questions. If Caitlin Clark has caused leftists to pretend to follow the WNBA with the same enthusiasm with which they pretend to follow soccer, why didn’t they pretend to follow the game when all the most talented players were black? And now, when some black player whose name they don’t know because they never watched a WNBA game in their lives, fouls Caitlin Clark by smacking her full force in the back of the head, should leftists side with Caitlin, since she’s the only reason they’re pretending to watch the games in the first place, or should they Google the name of the black player and side with her so they don’t have to admit it was their flagrantly racist behavior that made black what’s-her-name clock Caitlin because what’s-her-name has been playing her nameless heart out with a work ethic and skill that raises women’s basketball to a level nowhere near the men’s game, and no one’s been watching her all that time, because she’s in the WNBA. 

And what about trans people? If a hulking male like Lia Thomas is allowed to go swinging his dingus around a woman’s locker room so that leftists can pretend there’s no advantage to being a male athlete in a woman’s sport, why didn’t the leftists pretend to watch women’s basketball before Caitlin Clark so that women players could be paid the same amount as men with money that would exist if anyone was buying tickets to their games instead of the men’s games where the people play better because they’re men?

Now if a black MAN were playing in the WNBA, and HE fouled Caitlin Clark by hitting her full force in the back of the head, then for the next few years, while Caitlin Clark was regaining consciousness and learning to walk again and use dining utensils with dulled edges so she didn’t cut herself, she could be replaced by another black man who would foul other players, until the entire WNBA was populated by black men making the games worth watching.

Then all the leftists’ dilemmas could be solved by watching black men play basketball and calling it the WNBA thus supporting black people, trans people and women’s sports which will finally rise to the level of men’s sports by being sports played by men.

That would make all the leftists happy—until China, Russia and Iran slaughter everyone because Democrats suck at running the country.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.