Salon, we hardly knew ye.
After nearly 31 years, the darling online magazine of the Left has shut down. To commemorate the outlet's stunning and brave transition into the ash heap of history, I've compiled a list of
the 10 greatest hits to ever grace the digital pages of our dearly departed Salon.com.
10. The Legend of Zelda" is classist, sexist and racist
Because nothing screams "vital political commentary" quite like demanding a full Marxist breakdown of a 1998 Nintendo 64 cartridge … 15 years after it hit shelves. Salon treated readers to a deep dive into "Ocarina of Time," warning us that Hyrule's labor dynamics reflect Karl Marx's warnings on the "oppressor and oppressed."
Those lazy Kakariko Village carpenters aren't just video game NPCs — they are the proletariat suffering under the boot of feudal capitalism. The author also found time to lament the treatment of the "anthropomorphized cows of Hyrule" and the "exploitation and violence" of pre-industrial farming. Remember, kids: it's fine to save the world from Evil Ganondorf, but if you don't pause to unionize the farmhands, you're just part of the system.
9. America deserves better superheroes: Why a straight, white Spider-Man is no longer a real underdog
Leave it to Salon to look at a fictional teenager who gets bitten by a radioactive arachnid, loses his uncle to violent crime, and can barely afford rent, and decide he isn't enough of an underdog.
The piece championed the idea that Spider-Man should be bisexual and date a gender-swapped Mary Jane played by Michael B. Jordan. The logic was rock solid: because middle-class "computer nerds" now run Silicon Valley, Peter Parker's status as a social outcast is totally fraudulent. Apparently, paying the rent gets easier when someone else with your hobbies becomes a billionaire.
8. Expecting the Worst
An oldie but a goodie: Salon turned its righteous fury on "What to Expect When You're Expecting" in 1997. The author accused the pregnancy manual's authors of running a "control-freak," prissy dictatorship over pregnant women. Grievances included advice against eating fried chicken and baklava every day.
The article bristled at the book's recommendation to restrict desserts to fruit, decrying a "niggardly dollop of whipped cream" and invoking "icky" 1950s homemaker propaganda. Nothing quite defined the peak-Salon era like taking basic, common-sense dietary advice from a doctor and reframing it as a deeply traumatic assault on personal liberation.
7. My abortion made me happy: The story that started the #shoutyourabortion movement
Safe, legal, and rare, anyone? In an essay that sparked a cultural movement, the author recounted a trip to Planned Parenthood that she cheerfully compared to a routine visit to the bank.
The account came complete with casually tossing pregnancy tests onto coffee tables while lighting cigarettes and making male professors squirm just for giggles. The piece reimagined reproductive politics as a chic lifestyle branding opportunity where crying and regret are for patriarchal squares.
6. Our would-be presidents are God-fearing clowns: Marco Rubio's deranged religion, Ted Cruz's bizarre faith
If you ever wanted to know what happens when an edgy college sophomore discovers New Atheism and decides to write a manifesto, this was it. The author looked at the 2016 presidential primary lineup and concluded that any politician daring to mention a higher power was essentially a certified lunatic groveling before "the faith-deranged" masses.
Naturally, no Reddit Atheist screed would be complete without a list of interrogation questions for the religious — such as demanding to know whether they plan to enforce biblical stonings for tech workers or reinstate Old Testament slavery — this article was a tour de force in militant secular exasperation. It truly proves, once and for all, that nothing says "rational progressivism" quite like aggressively interrogating political candidates about Bronze Age livestock laws.
5. White men must kill their inner Trump: White dudes, it's time to summon your inner Skywalker!
Speaking of Reddit-tier slop. The author discovered that Donald Trump was actually just the physical embodiment of every white dude's inner toxic id. Drawing profound inspiration from "The Empire Strikes Back," he bravely confessed to past sins like talking over his wife and teasing a classmate in middle school.
The message to all left-wing "nice guys" was clear: sure, you might recycle and vote the right way, but somewhere deep inside your soul, you are basically Donald Trump just waiting to break out. May the Force be with your inner demographic guilt.
4. White guys are killing us: Toxic, cowardly masculinity, our unhealable national illness
Why settle for a standard policy debate on gun control when you can trace modern mass shootings all the way back to the Virginia planter class of 1675? In this sprawling historical epic, the author managed to connect the National Rifle Association, Ronald Reagan, the Black Panthers, and the entire American experiment directly to the fragile psyche of the modern white male.
According to this thesis, the firearm is a "totem or fetish object" for white dudes terrified of demographic obsolescence. It turns out that every time someone goes to the shooting range, they're not just practicing target sports — they're reenacting Bacon's Rebellion and reinforcing a 300-year-old racial dictatorship. Who knew your local gun shop was actually a masterclass in intersectional sociology?
3. Let's hope the Boston Marathon bomber is a white American
Beware the "Republicans Pounce!" Nothing says "respecting the victims of a national tragedy" quite like sitting by the phone and praying the perpetrators fit your preferred political narrative so you can score points against the GOP.
Written in the immediate aftermath of the horrific 2013 Boston Marathon bombing, this piece openly rooted for the bomber to be a white domestic terrorist just to ensure that conservative immigration and defense policies wouldn't benefit from the tragedy. It was a stunning exercise in political opportunism, beautifully illustrating that when an act of mass murder occurs, the most important question isn't how many people were hurt, but whether the suspect's demographic profile can be weaponized against your ideological enemies.
2. Human-on-dolphin sex is not really that weird
When a BBC documentary revealed that a 1960s NASA-funded research project involved a woman providing "sensual" manual relief to a dolphin named Peter, normal publications treated it as a bizarre historical footnote. Salon, however, saw a golden opportunity to normalize interspecies relations.
In a breathtaking display of journalistic rigor, the author defended the encounter by comparing it to animal husbandry, primate testing, and rodent clitoral stimulation, solemnly declaring that "sex has an uncanny way of revealing the inconsistencies in our thinking."
Nothing quite captures the avant-garde spirit of peak digital media like defending a woman hooking up with an aquatic mammal.
1. I'm a pedophile, not a monster
And here it is, the undisputed champion of catastrophic editorial judgment. In 2015, Salon published a sympathetic personal essay by Todd Nickerson explaining that being attracted to children is just an "alternate sexuality" and a "curse of the first order."
Assuring readers that he was "not the monster you think me to be," the piece sought to rebrand minor-attracted individuals as misunderstood victims of a harsh social taboo. The immediate, fiery backlash from across the entire political spectrum was so overwhelming that even Salon had to pull the piece down — cementing its legacy as the single most reviled editorial decision in the outlet's thirty-year history.
Unfortunately for all of us, these articles will never go away; the internet is forever, after all. But we can all sleep easier at night knowing that these hallowed grounds of the greatest Salon articles ever published will never be added to. Rest In Peace, Salon; we're all in a better place now.
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